Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
