Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
