I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
