Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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