True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
