He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
