i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
