i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
