best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
