My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
