oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm too high and old for this...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
