I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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