I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize