Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
