i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
