eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
