he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
