I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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