You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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