Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
