so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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