So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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