i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
