I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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