Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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