Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize