The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I could fuck to npr.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize