Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
