i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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