got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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