dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
