my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
