Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
oh god was she eating orange peels again
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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