take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
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