My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
