i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
