Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
