My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
there is glitter all over my balls
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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