3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
