Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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