it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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