I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
