Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
