so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
