Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
