Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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