You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
