am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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