party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I didn't notice because vodka
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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