That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
