are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
