Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My pussy is not your playground.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
