The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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