if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
