You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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