i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Blood and glitter go together right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My vagina is very pro this idea
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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