Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
