and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
