During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
two words: eviction party
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
