i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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