just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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