Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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