Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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