she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
