There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
