You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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