i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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