You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
