so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
